Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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