I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
