I accidentally burped into my bong.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
