hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
