after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
