You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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