Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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