Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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