i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
