Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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