So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Randomize
