just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
