you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
