we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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