We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You are a genius and a whore.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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