Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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