...so i touched it.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
