i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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