I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
