Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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