checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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