Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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