you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
