You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
