I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize