I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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