just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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