So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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