i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's shark week go big or go home
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
