I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i dont even know how to be here
God, you're like boner-b-gone
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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