the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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