I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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