think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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