My sheets look like a crime scene.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
