last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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