theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
