He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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