so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
