Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
