In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
