I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize