I got chris browned last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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