You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
