Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
