1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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