My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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