mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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