youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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