Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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