I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
