Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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