next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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