I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
