You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize