eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
