paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
