haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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